Get help if you are a person who uses violence and abuse

On this page you'll find a link to a booklet with information about stopping abusive and violent behaviour.

How can I tell if I am using abusive or controlling behaviour in my personal relationships?

Have there been times when you have

• made demands and threats
• used any form of coercion or physical abuse?
• noticed that this has happened before
• noticed that this is affecting any children in the home.

Usually the other person will back down because they are afraid of what might happen next.

• Is that the way you want this relationship to work?

Anger and abuse - what's the difference?

Here's some information from the experience of others:

"But I just get so angry!"

• anger is an emotion
• abuse or violence is a behaviour to control a situation or a person
• people can get angry without getting abusive

"We're just arguing, I don't know why she's afraid of me!"

If the person you love or care for says they are afraid as a result of your voice, stance, demands or violence, then believe them.

Arguments and disagreements are normal and leave both parties with a sense that they have the right to and can influence the direction of the argument.

Abusive behaviour is controlling and one party feels less than the other, is afraid and controlled.

"She leaves me no choice; she just keeps at me..."

Abusive behaviour of any kind is always a choice. All choices have consequences. No-one deserves to be abused, Whatever they say or do, its never the answer.

Some people have found it useful to:

• Stop... give yourself a chance to make a better, positive choice
• Think... take 5 deep breaths
• Focus... what will it prove to control her, frighten her, put her down...? Is that what I really want? Will this help me and my relationship?

If you continue to use violence and abuse in your relationship you should be aware that the likely consequences may include:

• the breakdown of your relationships
• people you care for, including your children, living in fear of you
• hurting your children
• facing the court on a protection order application
• criminal charges
• loss of contact with your children
• serious emotional harm to the other person, children and yourself
• serious injury or death to either yourself, the other person or children

‘If I'd stayed the way I was I would've destroyed everything that's important to me...’ (Adrian, 40)

‘I had to give myself a second chance... take control of my life, not others.’ (James, 25)

Abusive behaviour is not acceptable.

Using controlling and abusive behaviour in your relationship is a choice. However, abusive behaviour is not acceptable. You can choose to identify the abusive behaviours and to stop this type of behaviour.

Getting help

It takes courage to pick up the phone and ask for help. If you want help you can call Mensline (9am to midnight, 7 days a week) on 1800 600 636 or phone Lifeline (24 hours) on 13 11 14. This support is confidential.