What you can do to support a victim of domestic and family violence

You may suspect that a person you know is a victim of domestic and family violence. Here are some possible indicators. The person may:

• seem intimidated or frightened by their partner or withdrawn or reluctant to speak. The children may seem timid, frightened or too well behaved in the partner's presence
• be overly anxious to please their partner
• say their partner constantly rings or texts them wanting to know where they are, what they are doing and who they are with
• be regularly criticised by their partner in front of you and subject to comments made to put them down
• say their partner is jealous and possessive and accuses them of having affairs with other people
• refer to their partner or family member having a bad temper or being moody, especially when they have been drinking
• repeatedly have bruises, broken bones, or other injuries claimed as the results of falls or other accidents
• wear inappropriate clothing in summer months such as scarves and long sleeves or wear heavy make-up and sunglasses inside to hide signs of physical abuse
• often be late to work or appointments or cancel meetings with you at the last minute
• stop seeing or speaking with you, friends and family
• say their partner controls the money (i.e. gives them none or not enough and makes them account for every cent that is spent.

What can you do to help?

Most importantly your friend or family member needs your support. Even if there is not any immediate change, your support may help them to consider their options and ultimately ensure their safety.

The initial discussion about domestic and family violence can be difficult. A controlling partner often blames the victim for the violence, so an abused person may be afraid of being judged and be defensive.

Only try to start a conversation if the person is alone in a place where it is safe to speak with enough time to talk about the issue. The victim may be willing to talk if they feel safe and trust you to keep their situation safe to yourself. Questions such as "I am worried about you because I don't get to see you often anymore" or "You look unhappy lately" may help get the conversation started.

It is important that you believe what they tell you. They are more likely to downplay the abuse rather than exaggerate it. Many abusers are charming to others. What you see of their behaviour may be very different to their behaviour towards their partner.

It is important that you listen and are not judgemental or critical. Do not tell them what to do but help them to explore options that are available.

When they finish talking let them know you care and ask them how you can help. Make it clear that it is the person using violence or abuse behaviour who is responsible for their behaviour and not them. The person experiencing the violence or abuse cannot make a person stop being abusive, no matter how hard they try.

You should let them know there are organisations that can help, including services to help them escape the violence if that's what they want to do. If you think it's important to seek professional assistance, encourage the person to do this on their own behalf.

If you think you might need to seek professional advice to help you better assist your friend or family member, it is important to let them know that you might do this. Reassure them that you can discuss the situation with the professional organisation without revealing their name or any identifying details.

Remain their friend even if they continue to stay in the relationship. At the same time remind them that everyone has the right to live free from violence. If they want to go to a refuge or safe place, support them to do so. If they are in immediate danger, call the Police on 000.

It is important to protect yourself from danger. Never intervene in a violence situation or confront an abusive person.

What if the victim does not want to talk?

If they do not want to talk, express your concern for them anyway. Tell them that domestic and family violence is never OK and that they have done nothing to deserve or cause it.

You need to reassure them that you will stand by them, and be ready to talk or help, when they ask.

What if there are children?

Domestic and family violence has a significant impact on children often with serious long term effects. Children can be directly involved by witnessing or being the target of abuse. Children can also suffer from the stress of a violent household, even if they do not directly see or hear violence or abuse. Many children experience emotional and behavioural changes as a result of the violence.

If your friend or family member has children in the home you should express your concerns about the impact on the children. You may also like to provide support to the children and reinforce that violence is never OK and that they are not to blame.

For information about how domestic and family violence affects children go to Impact of domestic and family violence on children.

What should I say to the perpetrator of the violence?

You should not confront or engage this person about their behaviour. This may result in placing yourself and the person being abused at further risk.

Where should I refer the victim for help?

When the victim is ready to take action, you should support their decisions, including helping to make safety plans.

You should make them aware of DVConnect which offers a Womensline on 1800 811 811 and a Mensline on 1800 600 636. Womensline is a state-wide 7 day, 24 hour service which provides information, support and counselling for people who are experiencing domestic and family violence including information about women's refuges, protection orders and safety. Mensline is a state-wide 7 day service operating from 9.00am to 12midnight. It provides information and assistance to men who are affected by domestic and family violence whether they have perpetrated abusive behaviour or see themselves as a victim of abuse. More information about DVConnect is available.

Leaving a relationship may not immediately end the violence or provide safety. Some victims of abuse will be at the greatest risk of violence at the time of separation and will need to develop a safety plan to protect themselves and their children. Further information about safety plans is available.

My friend won't leave the relationship. What can I do?

There is nothing you can do other than continue to provide support. It is natural that you are concerned and wish for your friend or family member to leave the relationship.

However, ending any relationship is difficult, including those where domestic and family violence is occurring. There may be a number of reasons why a victim feels they cannot leave a violent relationship. They may:

• fear for their life, the lives of their children or family following a threat from the perpetrator
• believe they have nowhere to go or that they will be found wherever they go
• believe their partner's promise to end the violence and hope the relationship will go back to how it was before the violence started
• believe they cannot cope by themselves or alone with their children
• be encouraged or persuaded by others (such as family, friends, minister, community elder) to stay in the relationship or give their partner another chance to change
• have a cultural or religious belief that marriage is forever
• fear they will be isolated from family and friends
• feel ashamed and believe that the violence is their fault
• hope that the violence will stop if they change their behaviour
• have little or no access to money and believe they will not be able to support themselves or their children
• be unwilling to take the children away from their home or fear losing their children in a custody battle
• be reluctant to end the relationship after the years that have been invested.