How to get help if you are a perpetrator of violence
This campaign encourages men to see the warning signs of domestic and family violence — such as controlling what their partner wears, who she sees, where she goes, how much she spends — and seek advice.
You can stop the abuse or violence
Abuse and violence is a choice. You can choose to either continue using violent or abusive behaviour towards those you are in a domestic relationship with, or stop this type of behaviour.
If your choice is to continue to use violence and abuse in your relationship then you must accept the likely consequences which may include:
- the breakdown of your relationships
- people you care for, including your children, living in fear of you
- hurting your children
- facing the court on a protection order application
- criminal charges
- serious injury or death to yourself, the other person or children
- loss of contact with your children.
Stopping Violence and Abuse
This booklet provides information to enable you to make an informed decision to seek help and support to stop using abusive and violent behaviour.
Getting help
Asking for help is a sign of strength and courage. It takes guts to pick up the phone and ask for help. If you want help you can call the Men's line (9am to midnight, seven days a week) on 1800 600 636 or phone Lifeline (24 hours) on 13 11 14 and talk anonymously and confidentially to a trained professional.
What you can do to control your behaviour
Recognise when tension is building
The key to preventing an explosion of aggression is being able to see it coming so that we have the chance to respond to it differently.
Typically when we feel aggressive, we experience:
- muscular tension - especially a tightening of the stomach, neck and face
- a surge of adrenalin
- an increased heart rate.
Self talk
The next step is to identify the messages we give ourselves and this is called self-talk. When we can recognise these signs it's easier to pull ourselves up and make some choices about our behaviour. It may be useful to keep simple messages in our heads so they are available when we need them. Examples that others have found useful are:
- it's not worth it - I've got too much to lose
- take a breath
- stay in control of myself
- walk away and calm myself down.
Time out
If self-talk isn't enough take time out. This means leaving the situation to get our heads straight and come back later to talk again.
Let the other person know that this is what you are doing for example you could say 'I need to take time out; I'll come back in half an hour'.
Only return when you are sure that you are relaxed.
Avoid drinking alcohol, taking drugs and driving as this may only make it difficult to see things clearly.
Time out when you are feeling aggressive gives you a chance to cool off. It allows you to avoid violence not a difficult issue.
Tip: Before the next conflict let the other person know this is what you are going to do.
Adapted from information contained in the How to deal with domestic violence booklet, Freedom From Fear Campaign, Family and Domestic Violence Unit, Government of Western Australia (1998).
Last updated: 24 June 2008.